The Letter
by Kate-Emma
Summary: Complete - Des Taviner reflects in a letter to Sheelagh Murphey why he had to leave Sun Hill for good.


Long after the Cameron Tait incident, Sheelagh Murphey wasn't so sure about what she'd said to her fellow officers about Des Taviner.  
She'd told them that it was unlikely they'd hear from him again but she knew she'd never really believed it when she'd said said it.  
Two mornings before another anniversary of the station explosion Sheelagh came to work early to find seven bunchs of flowers under the plaque; six were Carnations and one was Daffodils.  
Sheelagh thought at first sight that there was something odd about them so she'd taken a closer look.  
Each had a small card attached. Each card had names printed clearly and personalised with handwriting. The six Carnations held the names 'Ben Hayward, Kate Spears, Paul Riley, Di Worrel, Sam Harker, Andrew Monroe.' The Daffodils held 'Derek Conway.'  
No other person apart from Reg Hollis would've recognized that writing but Sheelagh did. It was Des Taviners'.

* * *

**THE LETTER**  
_A Songfic One-Shot_  
  
_I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do  
But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know_  
  
For some reason i felt the need to put those flowers down.  
I think when you lose someone you love and you know that it is for good, well, things just seem more important.  
  
_I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you_  
  
As you know well, i've never been one for things like flowers and so forth but you know, things change with experiences.  
What i'm trying to say is that, although this means less than nothing now, i need to apologize, not just to you.  
  
_I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with everyday  
And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away  
And be the one who catches all your tears  
Thats why i need you to hear_  
  
I guess the flowers were an apology to the six i killed. Conway's was just something extra that i felt neede to be included.  
I personalised the flowers, didn't include their police ranks though.  
That is what everyone has been doing wrong. Remembering them as PC or DC or whatever.  
They need to be remembered as people, not policemen and women...and boys.  
God, Ben and Sam were just kids!  
I never told you this but Sam saw me throw it. He saw me kill him. Shit!  
  
_I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you  
and the reason is you  
and the reason is you  
and the reason is you_  
  
If he'd lived, well, this would be a letter from gaol wouldn't it?  
He was a good kid, always eager to help.  
And Di... Only weeks before, after Terry Knowles' death she leant me a shoulder to cry on...and this is how i repay her!?  
By killing her and five others?! I'm not human. I don't deserve to live for all i've done!  
  
_I'm not a perfect person  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know  
_  
Those images still haunt me. They're like still frames in my mind. The gas canisters, Sam's face, the flames...  
God, there were so many!  
I thought i'd fallen through the cracks of Earth and down into the fiery depths of Hell. Maybe that's where i should be.  
I'm not though.  
  
_I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you  
_  
I'm in Wales at the moment  
I hope you forgive or at least understand me and everything i've done.  
When you get this, tell Reggie-Babe that i'm sorry for all the trouble i've gotten you two into.  
  
_I've found a reason to show  
A side of me you didn't know  
A reason for all that I do  
And the reason is you_  
  
Sheelagh, i know that this means nothing now but i truly love you.  
If there had been better circumstances i would've made you a Mrs.  
Wish me luck, i hope all is good for you.  
  
-**_Des_**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 'The Bill.'  
The song is by Hoobastank and is called 'The Reason'.

**A/N**: This is too all the lovely people who didn't complain about no updates on my other stories.  
I wrote it while on holidays because grandparents are boring and i hate hearing their stories in the car stuck with them for 6 hours!  
He He.  
Have a nice winter/summer holidays people!


End file.
